Late at night, Ariela and I might be thumbing through a magazine in bed together. No, silly - not that kind of magazine! A magazine to make fun of. You see, there are certain publications out there that lend themselves easily to ridicule. Sometimes it was Vogue with their whacked out poses (a friend supplied some of these), but today we find magazines with plenty of ads to make fun of. I would like to share a doozy with everyone today. One that just about blew the bed covers off - it was so flatulent. It said: Rebuild your DNA! Oh yeah, it’s time for some Monday Madness.

I won’t tell you the name of the magazine, or where I got it. Yet. But here’s the nefarious advertisement:

WHOA! Unbelievable! You mean all this time, all I had to do to prevent the visible effects of aging on my skin was to spray this product and voila!? I mean, Clinical Studies, WOW!

You know, because it says DNA and RNA it must be true! Most people don’t know what it stands for which means that these folks did their research! Laser-Enhanced? Awesome. Lasers enhance everything, especially ill-tempered mutant sea bass.

One thing’s for sure - this Cell Regeneration Formula must be a close-guarded secret. I mean, they said that their formula’s ingredients “promote reversal of the aging process.” That’s the holy grail of biomedicine - reversing the aging process. They’ll never tell us what’s in it.

So on their website, they tell us what’s in it:

Cellfood DNA•RNA Cell Regeneration Formula contains DNA and RNA (nucleic acid) bases, TMG, Cellfood proprietary blend, Glycine, ATP, L-Glutamine, L-Serine, L-Lysine, L-Proline, L-Aspartic Acid, Vitamins B1, B3, B5, B6, B12, and Folic Acid.

Nucleic Acid bases? Nucleic acid bases?!? You mean you’re supposed to spray the individual subunits of DNA and RNA in your mouth six times daily and that will make you grow younger? Madness. Let’s forget the fact that in every burger, lettuce leaf, loaf of bread, and dragonfly you eat, you are getting far more of the raw materials for DNA and RNA than you could ever use in any given day. What are a few trace amounts of these (plus a smattering of vitamins and amino acids) supposed to do, and what is TMG?

Cellfood DNA•RNA Cell Regeneration Formula is one of the most rejuvenating, immunity- enhancing, and tissue-supporting formulas ever developed. It is a proprietary blend of nucleic acid bases (the essential building blocks of DNA and RNA), methyl groups (which are considered by many scientific researchers to be the prime regulators and programmers of the aging process), ATP (the fundamental energy’currency’ of the human body) and the original Cellfood formula. In Cellfood DNA•RNA, the life- and longevity-enhancing effects of these four special components have been combined for the very first time. And, it’s been formulated in a spray, boosted with the remarkable Cellfood delivery system, and laser enhanced— all combining for optimal absorption and assimilation.

I see. So they’ve got this idea that aging is caused by the inability of DNA to repair itself. And um, a need for more methyl groups? Where’d they get these ideas? Yes, damage to DNA is part of the aging process, but this damage is not affected by the presence of more building blocks for DNA (and RNA… why RNA? You make new RNA all the time - this makes no sense). The damage is in the form of mutations, which are irreversible.

The Miracle of DNA and RNA

Today there is a compelling new focus on the ingestion of dietary nucleic acid bases— the essential building blocks of DNA and RNA. Although the body is able to manufacture nucleic acid bases from amino acids and other basic nutrients, recent evidence indicates that the body is often not able to make enough DNA and RNA to protect, repair, and regenerate cells to their optimum function.

Shenanigans. Bullcrap. What evidence from where and by who indicates that cells can’t make enough DNA?

This is especially true for cells that have high turnover rates— like the intestinal lining, which may fully replace itself every week. The demand for DNA and RNA may exceed our production capacity particularly under conditions of stress, in which the demand for greater cell activity becomes acute. This is especially true for the large populations of cells in the immune system. Numerous studies show dramatic benefits in overall health and function with the supplementation of nucleic acid elements.

Show us the studies… show us the double-blind studies performed by a credentialed medical research scientist that happen to “support” the very specific claims you make about supplementation - with something you say hasn’t existed until now!

These effects are so powerful that survival rates in even life-threatening situations have been markedly increased. And, longevity studies indicate that no single tested therapeutic method has increased longevity more than supplementing the body with DNA and RNA elements. In addition to the pure bases of DNA and RNA, Cellfood DNA/ RNA contains the amino acids the body uses to make nucleic acids from scratch. Providing these amino acids— glutamine, serine, glycine, and aspartic acid— may further boost our capacity to maintain nucleic acid pools at optimum levels for cell rejuvenation and repair.

Wait, if you don’t think there are enough subunits for making DNA in your product, why include the amino acids… what are you saying?

Advantages of Oral Spray Delivery

Cellfood DNA•RNA Cell Regeneration Formula is provided in a very convenient— and highly biologically active oral spray form. By providing the nucleic acid base components in this form, we’ve been able to increase their absorption into the bloodstream significantly. Instead of as low as only 1-3% delivery to the blood stream with conventional delivery, the oral spray may effectively deliver 90% or more of the nucleic acids to cells and tissues throughout the body.

Advantages of NOT doing oral spray delivery:

1. Don’t have a yucky taste in your mouth.
2. Save money by not buying this in the first place.
3. Feel very smart for that.

I don’t want to know what their conventional delivery is supposed to be. Can’t be an injection, that would be 100% delivery to the blood stream. It must be this. Oh good, we get to hear about the “laser”s now…

Laser Enhancement Technology

Cellfood DNA•RNA utilizes another extremely advanced and unique technology: a new laser process for nutrient enhancement that has been patented worldwide— developed over the last 8 years by the formulator of Cellfood DNA•RNA, Dr. Todd Ovokaitys— a Johns Hopkins and Georgetown University trained M.D., internist, and pulmonary and intensive care specialist. This new form of laser energy can be used to restore molecules to a more natural shape that the body can use more efficiently, resulting in greater bioavailability. Even very pure manufactured nutritional supplements are often subject to processes which can cause numerous random distortions of nutrient shape. Enzymes of the body are highly shape sensitive in order to ‘fit’ with other nutrients. When the body receives a nutrient in a wide range of random shapes, some will fit and many others will not. The nutrients that don’t fit will either be excreted or broken down into useless compounds. This remarkable laser technology has the ability to restore molecules into their optimum nutritional shape.

Yes, because there’s absolutely no difference between something that ‘may’ work to change the shape of protein macromolecules that can change shape at all, and some fancy-sounding light beam that they shine on vats of simple subunits that do not undergo changes in conformation that affect bioavailability!

Normalizing and creating consistency in the shape of the molecules greatly reduces the enzyme energy needed to bind the next molecule, which can greatly increase the efficiency of nutrient utilization. This allows the cells to make much more of the desired products from the same quantity of ingested nutrients. Milligram for milligram, cells fed the laser-treated nutrients have produced statistically significantly more of the biologically desirable internal products than those fed normal nutrients. The laser technology used to enhance Cellfood DNA•RNA Cell Regeneration Formula is the most powerful method of restoring and re-shaping nutrients— for enhanced absorption and assimilation— ever developed. The combination of this laser technology and Cellfood DNA•RNA Cell Regeneration Formula is an unequaled combination for boosting amino acid and nucleic acid metabolism.

SHOW ME THE STATISTICS. (Your pants are on fire, BTW) Nowhere on their website or the specific product website do they point us to any of these splendid studies that happen to apply to their specific product with wonderful sounding terms and idealistic percentages!

Still, they use lasers. Which is automatically cool. Heck, I’d pay someone just to have them use a laser at work, so they could come home and feed their family and tell them all about how Mommy or Daddy plays with a powerful laser at work! So how much does it cost for this wonderful new item?

1-ounce spray bottle = 30-day supply

Cellfood DNA•RNA Cell Regeneration Formula comes in a 1-ounce oral spray which, when taken as directed, will last one month. The suggested retail price is $41.95.

Forget it. Mommy and Daddy need to quit the racket and get a real job.

Wait, there’s more madness. On the product website, they give us more information about how little they know about, well, anything.

CELLFOOD DNA • RNA is the world’s first cellular regenerating formula combining nucleic acid bases (the essential building block on DNA and RNA), Adenosine Triphosphate (ATP - the master energy molecule), methyl groups (regulators and programmers of the aging process), and Cellfood.

Hilarious. First of all, ATP is not a source of energy, it is an energy carrier molecule. It takes the energy from one reaction and applies it to the next. We make plenty of ATP, and we use it all the time for almost everything in the cell. You’re not going to gain anything by swallowing a little extra ATP. It won’t hurt either, except your wallet (see above). However, what these bozos don’t realize when they say that their scam fine product is the first to combine nucleic acid bases with ATP, is that ATP CONTAINS ONE OF THOSE BASES. ATP is one of the 4 dNTPs (deoxy Nucleic acid Tri-Phosphates) used to make DNA. Um, what’s with the methyl groups?

Anti-aging - Clinical research indicates that biological aging is regulated and programmed by the gradual loss of specific DNA markers known as methyl groups. At the age of 25, most of us have already lost 10% of our DNA methyl groups. When there is a 40% loss, degenerative death typically occurs. Longevity studies have shown that no single therapeutic method has increased lifespan more than nucleic acid (DNA RNA) supplementation. CELLFOOD DNA • RNA provides the most important nutrient factors for improving DNA methylation, which slows or stops the loss of methyl groups.

Well, technically, no therapeutic method has increased lifespan at all, so what they said is true. But it also means that this doesn’t increase lifespan either. Um, where to begin on these methyl groups? They are involved in gene regulation, and are attached to the DNA in particular locations. I’ve never heard anything about these 10% figures - are they talking about changes in gene regulation popping the methyl groups off, perhaps? This claim is just left dangling, and sounds suspicious. Um, they don’t provide anything that “slows or stops the loss of methyl groups” here. More Spurious Madness.

The H factor - Homocysteine is a toxic amino acid byproduct that accumulates in the bloodstream and tends to block arterial pathways. High levels of homocysteine may be an indicator of cardiac risk and has been linked to many diseases. A major double blind, placebo controlled study was recently conducted to study the effects of the methylation cofactors found in CELLFOOD DNA • RNA on homocysteine reduction and other important metabolic factors. The CELLFOOD DNA • RNA components (which also include Trimethylglycine) were shown to significantly reduce homocysteine levels by up to 44% - indicating an enhanced ability to protect and repair critical DNA and lower cardiac risk.

Okay… homocysteine does not accumulate in the arteries. It inhibits the formation of certain structural proteins, and high levels of homocysteine correlates with an increased risk in cardiovascular disease. It is a normal intermediate in the synthesis of other amino acids, and Trimethyl Glycine (TMG) is used in some people to treat for high levels of Homocysteine. All of this has nothing to do with aging at all, nor does it have to do with DNA, either! The last sentence is so unbelievably maddeningly fallacious! The reduction in homocysteine (which again, has nothing to do with DNA) is due to the fact that TMG is a methyl donor, and lobs its methyl groups at homocysteine, turning is into… dum da da dum, Methionine! Nothing to do with DNA at all. Not an indicator that this product does anything good for your DNA. (and RNA? What the hay, let’s toss some more acronyms in there! NADPH, SDS-PAGE, OMGLOLWTFWIKIBBQ!)

I suppose it is par for the course that they misunderstand that because magical “methyl groups” are involved in another fashion in epigenetic DNA regulation, that tossing any old methyl-group donor into your body isn’t going to do you any good. Let’s stop and think for a second - what if it did add methyl groups to DNA - TMG would add them anywhere. That’s not a good idea. Methyl groups modify the expression of genes in precise fashions - adding them willy-nilly is just going to screw things up.

ATP - CELLFOOD DNA • RNA provides one of the most important nucleic acid derivatives to the human body, adenosine triphosphate. ATP is considered the master energy molecule and the fuel for cellular function. When a glucose molecule breaks down without oxygen it delivers only 2 molecules of ATP, wasting almost 95% of the potential energy. When combined with the oxygen from CELLFOOD, each glucose molecule delivers a full 36 molecules of ATP. The end result is a dramatic increase in cellular energy.

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Yes, but if you metabolized glucose without any oxygen, you’d have a little tell-tale sign - your muscles would burn with lactic acid! They apparently have no idea what ATP does. They seem to think that by giving you more ATP, that you’ll help your cells make more ATP from metabolizing glucose? Oh wait, that’s because of the oxygen they put into your body. Um, ok people, breathe in, breathe out. There’s your oxygen. No fancy ways of trying to get (reactive species of) oxygen in your body to get those 36 ATPs per glucose, you can do that just fine on your own. Madness.

Finally, CELLFOOD DNA • RNA utilizes another unique and advanced technology known as Photo Acoustic Resonance. This patented laser technology process pre-treats and tunes each individual nutrient by reshaping distorted molecule structures so that they can be more easily absorbed and assimilated by cell receptors.

It works because IT HAS “LASERS”!

Caution – Individuals diagnosed with gout should consult with their professional health care practitioner prior to using CELLFOOD DNA • RNA.

Caution: individuals without brains should consult their astrologers before using this product to ensure that it doesn’t interfere with their personal zodiac. All others should avoid this product.

I mentioned this to the other grad students in my lab, and they thought it was hilarious. Particularly how, even if spraying DNA subunits in your mouth did anything for you, there wouldn’t be anything of any value in those bottles. Because, you see, the components of DNA have a half-life - they degrade over time at room temperature. We store our dNTPs (that we make DNA out of in the lab) at below -20 degrees C to keep them intact. This CELLFOOD DNA-RNA would be an expensive, degraded bottle of yuck.

What if it works, though? Haven’t there been all these studies they keep mentioning that support their claims?

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. If under medical care, or if pregnant or nursing, consult a health professional.

No studies. So much for that.

Nobody buys this stuff, right? It’s just a placebo dressed up in fancy language, eh? Uh oh, prepare yourself for the biggest piece of food supplement madness you’ve ever seen. The company that makes this DNA-RNA spray is building a brand new, huge building. Intellectual crime pays. Just the Madness you need to simultaneously brighten and darken your Monday. Thanks for reading.

Oh, and can you guess what magazine I found this in, and from what store I got it from? Find out in next week’s edition of Monday Madness.

UPDATE: 12-11-2007: Indentation of “immune cell” paragraph fixed - those are their words, not mine!